


Into the Deep

by PeterHaleforAlpha



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Hurt Bones, M/M, Missions Gone Wrong, Pre-Slash, Worried Jim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-11-30 00:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11452536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterHaleforAlpha/pseuds/PeterHaleforAlpha
Summary: Jim and Leonard are both hanging on the edge of a cliff, Jim holding them both up.Leonard is determined not to pull Jim into his death with him and tries to convince Jim to let him go.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This little fic is written in pieces for a writing challenge on LJ, using different challenges on each chapter. So it will probably only little scenes that will work together instead of a proper thought through fic.
> 
> I hope you can enjoy it anyway :D
> 
> (the challenge of this chapter was to write a story with exactly 500 words)

“Damn it, Jim,” Leonard yelled desperately, and looked up again, looked at the branch which Jim clung to, which was creaking under both their weights. Jim couldn’t hold them both, couldn’t get them over the edge again without the branch breaking and letting them both fall into the deep. “Just let go of me.”   
  
When the ground under Leonard’s feet had crumbled Jim had literally jumped after him into thin air to catch him. Now they were both stuck in this awful situation, with no way out. Leonard knew Jim couldn’t save them both. And Leonard knew he couldn’t be responsible for Jim’s death. “Alone you can pull yourself up.”   
  
“I’m not letting go of you, Bones.” Jim breathed heavily, exhaustion clear in his voice. Even if the branch wouldn’t crack any moment, Jim couldn’t hold this up much longer.   
Leonard wouldn’t let this happen. “Jim, please,” he begged now. “Just-”   
  
“No!”   
  
There was probably no point of convincing Jim. He was stubborn like that but Leonard needed to get Jim’s hand away from his wrist somehow. Perhaps this was one of these no-win-scenarios but Leonard was determined that it would be only for him. With a lot of effort Leonard lifted his other arm and tried to force Jim’s hand away.   
  
“What are you doing, Bones?” Jim’s voice was full of panic and his grip got even tighter. “Stop that!”   
  
“Spock would agree with me,” Leonard said and for once he wished that it was the Vulcan here with him. Spock would understand. Spock would let him go. “It’s only logical. The only outcome here is that we both die. If you let me go you have a chance at least.”   
  
“I can pull both of us back up!” Jim sounded so convinced.  
  
Leonard wanted to believe him so badly. He heard his determination and Leonard didn’t doubt that Jim believed it. That he just concentrated on the goal and blocked everything else out. He didn’t look at the branch that was to break every minute now, didn’t look at the sheer impossibility of hauling up two bodies back over a cliff to safe ground. Jim only had one thought: He couldn’t lose Leonard. And he would do anything to prevent that.  
  
But Leonard had the same thought. And he had better chances in succeeding than Jim.  
He got a hold of Jim’s pinky finger and pulled it back with full force. Jim cried out in pain and out of reflex his grip loosened. Just the opportunity Leonard had been waiting for. With not much more effort he opened Jim’s grip completely and Leonard was free.   
  
For a moment it felt weird to lose the last string to stability and only float in midair until gravity got a hold of him.  
  
It was terrifying to feel himself fall and to realize he was falling _down_.  
  
In the end it was only heartbreaking to hear Jim’s agonizing scream while watching him get smaller and smaller.   
  
And then everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt for this chapter was Hurt/Comfort and "Please don't do this to me..."
> 
> I struggled a little with the comfort at the ending but I hope it's okay like this :)

“Come on, Bones, please don’t do this to me…” Jim murmured while he tried to get Leonard’s tricorder off of him. His hands were shaking and they were slippery from all the blood on his hands - Leonard’s blood.   
  
After Leonard had fallen, Jim had used his last strength to haul himself over the edge and get down to his friend on another way. It had taken far too long. Leonard still laid motionless on the ground when Jim arrived there, his leg splayed out in an unnatural angle, his face smudged with blood. Jim instantly cradled his friend’s face to get a reaction which didn’t come.  
  
Leonard’s eyes stayed shut.   
  
Snapping out of his shock Jim knew he had to help him. Finally he got the tricorder and opened the casing. He activated the little medical device to scan his friend but it only beeped without doing anything. No result showed on the scanner. “Damn it,” he swore and threw it away angrily.   
  
He pulled his attention back to Leonard. “Come on, open your beautiful eyes for me,” he said, one hand cupping his cheek, the other searching for a pulse. If the modern technology didn’t work, the old school method had to do.   
  
Jim sighed in relief when he felt a bumping against his fingers. It was irregular and fast but at least there was  _something_. At least Leonard wasn’t dead yet. So that meant there was still hope.   
  
Despite all the voices in his head that wanted to convince him that Leonard was fine, Jim had believed the worst. When he lost his grip on Leonard’s wrist and saw him falling, Jim couldn’t fight the thought that this was the last time that he had seen his friend alive.   
  
Never in his entire life had Jim been so happy to be wrong.   
  
“Okay, Bones, what now?” Jim spoke out loud. It calmed him down, helped him to focus, and not panic at the sight of his best friend, unconscious and bloody. “Help me remember those first aid lessons. First make sure that the crew member is alive and breathing. Check.” Jim tried a little smile. “You are probably very happy to be breathing, right, Bones? I mean I would have to kiss you-” The last word died in his throat, and a sob escaped it. Jim clutched his hand over his mouth, tried to stop this unwanted reaction of his body.   
  
“Damn it, Jim, pull yourself together,” he thought and tried to blink away the tears that was sneaking up on him as well. “You can’t lose it now. Bones needs you.”   
  
He wiped away the tears and took a deep breath. “Okay, next step. Look for injuries.” Very obvious was Leonard’s broken leg but Jim couldn’t really do anything about that. At least no bones were sticking out of it. Maybe that meant that the break wasn’t so bad and wouldn’t be a big problem as soon as they were back on the ship.   
  
Then there was this huge gash on his forehead. Of course Jim knew that head wounds bled like crazy. It didn’t mean anything bad necessarily. But it wasn’t good either. Head wounds were complicated. Leonard had told him that a hundred times. Even in these times, even with advanced knowledge in medicine, the brain was still some sort of mystery.   
  
Jim couldn’t imagine Leonard without his beautiful brain. So he just prayed that he would be okay - although Jim knew that it wasn’t a good sign that Leonard wouldn’t wake up.   
  
“I forbid you to die on me, do you hear me?” He started talking again, sensing the unbearable feeling creeping back up his skin. This cold wave that let his whole body shiver. He ripped the sleeve off of his shirt and used it to wipe away the blood on Leonard’s face carefully. He needed to see the wound properly.   
  
Jim bit his lip when he noticed that it was still bleeding. He pushed the cloth on it and hoped that would help to stop it. “Okay, what next?” He hung his head, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Jim couldn’t do anything actually. Even if he were a doctor or someone who had a little more knowledge than just knowing the barest first aid, he had nothing here to help Leonard. He just could sit here and hope for the best. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have let go of you.”   
  
“Not … fault.”   
  
Jim opened his eyes instantly, convinced he had only imagined those words. He searched Leonard’s face for a movement. He still looked as dead as before. “Bones?” Jim asked, gently stroking his cheek. “You’re awake?”   
  
Leonard’s eyelids fluttered but he didn’t manage to open his eyes properly.   
  
Still, it was something. Jim smiled relieved. “I’ll get you back to the ship and Geoff will take care of you. You’ll be fine,” Jim promised and hoped that it wouldn’t be an empty promise. It couldn’t be.   
  
Leonard didn’t say anything and Jim was convinced that he lost conscious again. But this little reaction had given Jim some hope back. Leonard was still there, still alive, and Jim wouldn’t let him die.   
  
So he grabbed the communicator from his belt. “Kirk to Enterprise,” he said like he did a hundred times before when he was on his way down to Leonard. There was still only static at the other side. Jim had to fight the urge to throw away this piece of technology as well. Instead his grip tightened around the little object. “Kirk to Enterprise. Please come in,” he repeated.   
  
This time between the static Jim could make out words. Nothing that he could understand properly but there was someone on the other end of the line.  
  
“We have a medical emergency. Beam us right to medbay,” he ordered, hoping that it would get through.  
  
“We have a lock on you, sir,” Uhura’s words came clearer now. “Beaming you up now.”   
  
Jim sighed in relief and only a moment later he felt the warm tingling of the transporter beam. In the next second he was on the floor of medbay. He stood up immediately, helped carry Leonard on one of the biobeds and then stepped back, let Geoffrey and Christine do their jobs.   
  
  
Jim had no idea how long he stood in the corner, silently watching Geoffrey and Christine while they were working on his best friend. He concentrated on the beeping sound of the biobed so he knew that Leonard was still alive. This was all he cared about in this moment. He didn’t think about what he was supposed to do in this kind of situation. He was completely frozen on the spot.   
  
Until someone called him. Jim raised his head and looked into Spock’s face. He stood right next to him, arms folded behind his back like usual. “What are you doing here, Spock?” Jim was very confused which showed on his face.   
  
“We lost communication for exactly 3.78 hours. I am merely here to enquire the events of-”   
“You want a mission’s report?” Jim cut him off, his voice low. “Seriously? Now?”   
Spock straightened his back. “On the contrary, captain. You only informed us of a medical emergency…” His voice trailed off and Spock turned his attention to the same spot that Jim had watched for the last minutes.  
  
Jim blinked at his first officer, not sure what this was supposed to mean. Had Spock been worried? Impossible. Vulcans didn’t worry, as Spock would say. “He fell off a cliff,” Jim said without actually realizing he was speaking. “I couldn’t - I couldn’t help him.”   
  
Spock turned back towards Jim. “I am certain you did everything in your abilities, Jim.”   
  
Jim felt Spock’s gaze on him and it was so uncomfortable. He tried to move away a bit when all of a sudden Spock grabbed his wrist. “Are you hurt?”   
  
No idea what Spock was talking about, Jim looked down. His hands were full of blood. Of course, how could he had forgotten? He had still Leonard’s bloods on his hands. “No, it’s just-” Jim tried to explain but lost his voice. Almost gently Spock pulled him to a sink, turned on the water and put Jim’s hands under it. The red liquid vanished from his hands as if it had never been there. Funnily Jim had no idea if he should feel bad or good about this.  
  
“You should get your hands treated, captain. They are full of excoriations. And it appears that the pinky finger of your right hand is broken.”   
  
“What?” Not believing his first officer Jim poked it. Pain run through his finger and Jim bit his lip to fight the sound that wanted to come out of his mouth. “How did that-?” He asked himself when he remembered how Leonard had pulled it to get free. Instinctively he turned around again to look for Leonard, to make sure that he was still there and not falling into a deep abyss.   
  
“I always believed that Doctor McCoy was one of the most unregenerate humans I had ever encountered,” Spock said out of the blue.   
  
“Is this your kind of pep talk? You want to say that he is too stubborn to die?”   
Spock nodded. “In a way, yes.”   
  
Jim smiled halfheartedly. “As illogical as it may seem, it works. A little at least.” His full attention was back to Leonard but Jim was glad to have Spock beside him, to know that he wasn’t alone in his fears and worries. And that Spock, the most logical person Jim knew, believed that Leonard would be okay again, gave Jim the necessary push to believe it himself.  
  
Leonard would be okay again!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time the prompt was angst + regret

It was true.   
Leonard was too stubborn to die.   
Apparently waking up though was not in the near future.   
  
It had been three days now and Leonard was still unconsciousness. Jim had started to go back to his daily routine, spending his day on the bridge and going to medbay after his shift. But now it was to check on Leonard, not to pick him up so that he wouldn’t be too long in medbay.   
  
Every night Jim sat by Leonard’s bed. Mostly he read some classic books or he worked on his reports if he hadn’t been able to finish them over the day. With every day more it got harder to focus. Jim felt restless over the day, ready to run down to medbay as soon as his shift was over. He knew he couldn’t do anything but sit there but he had the tiny hope that Leonard would  _feel_  him somehow, that it would help him to find a way back to the world of the living.   
  
Geoffrey couldn’t give Jim a proper answer when Leonard would wake up.   
“It’s up to him now, sir,” he had said on this horrible day, after the operation was over.   
  
Jim still felt terrible. His pinky finger was all healed again but Jim caught himself how he absentmindedly played with it over and over when he sat with Leonard. If he had just ignored this pain and kept holding on to Leonard, and pulling them both up.   
Jim could understand Leonard’s actions, he was not mad at him. If the roles would have been reversed Jim would have done anything to get Leonard to safety. Leonard had just thought the same.  
  
No, Jim was not mad at his friend, he was mad at himself. Letting go of Leonard was one of his biggest regrets so far, and he had a lot in his short life. But he had never been so close to losing a friend forever. He might still lose him after all. If Leonard wouldn’t wake up, it would almost be as if he had died.   
  
“I shouldn’t have let go,” he mumbled once more. He had the feeling that he had said it a hundred times over the last few days. Jim wished he could just go back in time and change everything, just keep on holding Leonard’s hand.   
  
As if Jim was still scared to lose Leonard to the dark deep under him, he held his hand, every single time he sat next to him. It helped him to stay sane, not to lose his mind completely. With every passing day Jim’s thoughts got darker, the what if scenarios got more horrible and unbearable but when he squeezed Leonard’s hand it reminded him that he was still there. That he was still breathing. And that there was still hope.   
  
But the chance of a happy ending didn’t reduce his feelings of regret. Even if Leonard would wake up, Jim would never forgive himself. He wasn’t able to save the person that was most important to him.   
  
No matter what happened Jim knew that he had failed Leonard.  
  
He knew that Leonard wouldn’t care about this, would say that it wasn’t Jim’s fault, and he would forgive him in an instant.  
  
But Jim didn’t deserve that. He had let go of his friend.  
He deserved a punishment.  
And this was not to forgive himself.


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m sorry, Captain, I wished I could do more,” Pike said and looked at Jim full of sympathy. “But three more days is all I can give you.”  
Jim sighed and leaned back in his chair, watched Pike on the screen. Jim knew that Pike probably had done more for him than Jim could ever ask of anyone but he had hoped that maybe Pike could give him some more than only three days. “I understand, Admiral,” he still said, visibly disappointed.   
  
“Jim,” Pike said softer now. It got clear that this conversation wasn’t as formal anymore as it had been a second ago. “I know how you feel. It’s always hard to lose someone of your own crew but some losses are harder than others.”   
Jim bowed his head, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. “It’s  _Bones_ ,” he whispered with a shaky voice   
  
“I know, Jim. I hope these three days will be enough.”   
Jim was only able to nod. He hoped this as well but he wasn’t so sure if it really was.  
“I have to go, Jim, but call me if you need anything, even if it is just to talk. Okay, son?”   
Jim raised his head, not caring anymore if Pike saw him this vulnerable and broken. He nodded one more time. “Thank you, Chris.” And with that he ended the transmission and just collapsed into himself, the pressure and uncertainty of the last days catching up to him. He couldn’t lose Bones. Not in any way.   
  
Out of a sudden an idea crossed his mind and he immediately acted on it. He punched the button of his communicator. “Kirk to Spock.”   
“Yes, sir?”   
“I need to discuss something with you in my ready room, Commander.”   
“I’m on my way.”   
  
A few moments later Spock walked into his room. He stopped on the other side of his desk, standing straight up and his arms locked behind his back. “How can I be of assistance, Captain?”   
“I’ve been thinking,” Jim started, not sure if his idea was really such a good one after all. Spock raised his left eyebrow when Jim didn’t continue. “How does a mind meld work exactly?”   
  
There was a short pause before Spock answered, “Is this about Doctor McCoy?”   
“I just talked to Admiral Pike. We have three more days before we get ordered back to Earth to see Bones off to a proper hospital and appoint a new Chief of Medical.”   
Spock nodded. “This is general procedure.”   
“I know it is,” Jim shouted out of a sudden and jumped out of his seat. He glared at Spock who remained completely calm. Realizing what he had done, he leaned on his desk and let his head fall. “It doesn’t make it easier.”   
  
Suddenly it was completely silent in the room, and Jim almost thought that Spock had left when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Surprised Jim raised his head, looked at Spock and the hand on his shoulder. It was rare that Spock initiated any kind of touch.   
“If my assumption is correct you want to know if I could assist Doctor McCoy to regain consciousness with a mind meld?”   
Jim nodded immediately, feeling the warm presence of hope in his body. “Can you?”   
  
The answer took way too long to be any good. Jim didn’t take his eyes off of Spock the entire time, waiting for anything, even if it would be a simple no.   
“With a mind meld I can connect with another being. If Doctor McCoy would be lost in his mind I could probably help him but he experienced severe trauma to his head. I don’t think he is confused or lost. He is merely hurt.”  
  
“Hurt because of me,” shot through Jim’s thoughts. He blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the tears that threatened to break through. He was not ashamed to cry in front of Spock, Jim was just tired of it. He feared it would never stop if he lost Bones completely in three days. “Could you try?” Jim knew that it probably was futile hope.  
“This kind of mind meld is deeply intimate, Jim. I would never attempt it without Leonard’s consent.”   
  
Jim tried a smile and failed miserably. “He would hate to hear that you helped him wake up.”   
“I agree. Leonard is a very private person. He would not like the thought of someone walking around in his mind. I am sorry, Jim, but I can not help you.”   
Jim shook his head, out of a sudden completely aware of the hand on his shoulder. He smiled weakly. “It’s okay, Spock. You  _are_  helping.” Spock had been the best first officer Jim could have wished for in the last week. Hell, he had been the best friend. Even if it was hard to see for some people Jim knew that Spock cared deeply. He was probably as worried about Leonard as Jim was. And yet, he had offered to take over some shifts for Jim, so that Jim could sit with Leonard because Spock knew how important it was for Jim. “You are supporting me and helping me.”   
  
Spock gently squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “I wish I could do more. Despite of our differences I have great respect for Doctor McCoy. It would be a great loss for the Enterprise to lose such a brilliant doctor.”   
  
Jim nodded. “Everyone would be devastated.” He probably the most. Jim didn’t know if he could do all this without Leonard. Of course, it always seemed as if Jim had dragged Leonard out into the stars, but Jim needed Leonard out here as much as he needed Jim. Leonard grounded him when Jim didn’t know where to put his thoughts. He always talked some sense into him when Jim acted stupid. He was an anchor for Jim. His heart.   
  
Jim couldn’t live without his heart. Without planning to, the tears broke free and Jim stumbled back a step, fell on his chair. It came so sudden he wasn’t able to prevent it. “I don’t know if I can do this without him, Spock,” Jim sobbed. “When Bones leaves the Enterprise I may follow him.”   
“ _If_ , Jim,  _if Bones leaves the Enterprise_.” Spock kneeled down, right in front of Jim. “There are three more days before anything happens. Doctor McCoy might still wake up.”  
  
“It’s been seven days without any kind of change, Spock. What does your logic tell you? Because mine says that the odds are pretty low that he will open his eyes in the next days.”   
“Doctor McCoy rarely used logic in his actions so why should we use it to determine when he wakes up?”  
Jim tried to wipe away the tears with no big success. It just didn’t want to stop. “I  _love_  him, Spock. I can’t do this without him.”   
“You don’t have to. He’ll wake up.”   
  
Jim stared at Spock with an open mouth, not sure what he should respond to that. Normally any Vulcan would say that it was illogical to ponder over something that couldn’t be changed. No Vulcan would make a statement that was just based on hope. And yet here was Spock, trying to convince his captain that his CMO was about to wake up soon.   
“How can you be so sure?” Jim shook his head, wanted to believe this so badly, just as Spock did. “It’s illogical.”  
  
“On the contrary, Captain. My conclusion is most logical. Doctor M’Benga has told us that it is up to Doctor McCoy to wake up on his own. So it’s only logical to consider McCoy’s behaviour to these calculations.”  
Finally the stream of tears lessened a bit and Jim could take a deep breath. He tried to keep up with Spock’s words but he wasn’t sure what his friend was trying to tell him. “And which of McCoy’s traits have you considered in your calculations?”  
“His loyalty to you, of course. He would never leave your side, regardless of how much he complains about a situation.”  
  
Jim shook his head in disbelief. “So he is too stubborn to die and he is too much of a loyal fool not to wake up?” The corner of Jim’s lips twitched up in a half-smile.  
“Precisely.” Spock nodded seriously.  
Jim leaned forward and rested his forehead against Spock’s, taking some deep breaths to calm himself. “Thank you for being here, Spock.”   
“Just like Doctor McCoy I will always be at your side, Jim,” Spock said and send a wave of warm love over to Jim through the touch.


	5. Chapter 5

Despite every sane logic Spock somehow managed to convince Jim to leave medbay and get some rest. They had only one day left and apparently Jim had made it his mission not to leave Leonard’s side. After being there all day and half the night Spock knew that it was time to get him out of there. Spock had be prepared to remove Jim with force if necessary but the promise to remain at Leonard’s bedside in Jim’s place seemed to be enough.  
  
“Nyota adviced me to speak to you,” Spock said after a while. Silence had spread through the medbay. Leonard was the only patient and the late hour only left the nurse on night shift in Leonard’s office, doing some paperwork. “She truly believes that you can hear me.” Spock looked at Leonard although he knew that no reaction would come from his friend. Spock doubted that Leonard could actually hear him. He was unconsciousness, which meant that he was not aware of his surroundings.   
  
Nevertheless Spock found himself telling Leonard about all the stuff that had happened over the last few days, starting with all the injuries that had occured during Leonard’s absence as doctor. Leonard had always cared deeply about every single member of this crew, even beyond his duty of CMO. So he would be relieved to hear that everyone had been treated with all the care they needed, and with medical professionalism. Doctor M’Benga had done an amazing job in replacing Leonard for the time being, although the Doctor had made clear that he only wanted the job temporary until Leonard was back on his feet.  
  
“They are all very fond of you in this department,” Spock told him. “And very loyal.” He stopped for a second, taking a deep breath. “They all need you to wake up, Leonard, especially Jim.” Actually Spock was very worried about Jim. He had never seen him like this, not even after Pike’s death. The Captain was devastated, and the loss of Leonard would scar him deeply. “He is not the same without you.”  
  
Spock took a second - or rather minutes - to gather his thoughts and to make sense of all the mixed feelings inside of him. Normally he was able to control them, today was not such a day. The situation got more pressing with every passing hour and Spock couldn’t deny the possibility that they would lose Leonard in a few hours, even if he had tried to convince Jim from the opposite.  
  
“I believe your loss would change me too.”   
“I’m not dead yet,” Leonard’s raspy voice echoed over to him. Bewildered Spock looked at his friend in awe. “I think,” he added. “Am I?”   
Spock shook his head to assure his friend that he indeed wasn’t dead. “You are very much alive, Doctor. And awake.”   
Leonard smiled weakly and closed his eyes again. “Good.”   
  
While Leonard was apparently sleeping again Spock stood up and fetched the nurse. She checked over his vitals, and smiled warmly at the Vulcan. “All seems well. His body is just immensely exhausted. He’ll probably get around in a little while again. You are very welcome to stay.”   
  
Spock nodded. “I will look over him for the rest of the night.” After all he had promised Jim to stay until he returned. Shortly he thought about getting Jim but then remembered that he desperately needed some sleep. The nurse explained that he would probably be in and out of consciousness the next few hours and that they wouldn’t have a proper conversation. Jim was fragile at the moment and Spock wasn’t sure if it would do him or Leonard any good when he got him now.   
Spock would just remain here until the next morning, until Jim had enough sleep and Leonard was more responsive.   
  
  
“I thought it was a dream,” Leonard mumbled the second time he woke up. “Spock at my bedside?”   
“I assure you it wasn’t a dream, Doctor.”   
  
Leonard turned his head, looked Spock over with tired eyes. “Yeah, I can see that. What brought you here?” Before Spock could even answer, Leonard continued his rambling, “I mean you wouldn’t be my first guess to be here when I wake up. Maybe Geoffrey or Christine. Or of course Jim.”   
  
Spock could see the change in Leonard’s eyes. Calm turned into sudden panic. “Jim!” he exclaimed and sat up with a jolt. “Where is he?” Leonard frantically searched the room with his eyes. His fastened heartbeat let the bed sound in alarm and the nurse came running back in.   
“Doctor, please calm down,” she said before running her tricorder over his body.   
“The Captain is in his quarters, Doctor.”   
The alarm quieted down and Leonard looked at Spock. “He is okay?”  
Spock nodded. “He is in full health. He is merely sleeping. After all it is the middle of the night.”   
  
Leonard cracked a smirk. “You banned him to his quarters?”  
“He did go voluntarily. He just asked me to remain here with you in his place.”   
The smirk turned into a fond smile. “And this would explain why you’re here. Captain’s orders.” Leonard let himself glide back onto the bed. It was apparent that his little panic attack had cost him some badly needed energy. “And here I thought you were maybe a little worried about me.”   
  
Spock kept quiet for a moment before saying, “Worry is an emotion.”   
Leonard huffed. “Of course. How could I forget that?”   
“I am certain that you did not forget, Doctor. Due to your current state of health it might have slipped your mind though.”   
Leonard shook his head, smiling. “I bet that you missed our little discussions.”   
  
Spock looked at Leonard, taken aback by these words. First Leonard had mentioned these emotions that Spock would rather push down deep into the back of his mind and now he guessed what Spock had been through the last couple of days. He had tried to stay in control, to be the master of his emotions but with every passing day it had become harder. Spock had felt helpless, and in the end he had accepted that these emotions couldn’t get turned off this time. Nyota had said to him that it was okay, and he trusted her judgement. So Spock didn’t fight anymore.  
  
And just like any other Vulcan, he told the truth. “I certainly did.”   
Now it was for Leonard to look at him speechless.   
“We all missed you, Leonard,” he added. “The whole crew of the Enterprise has changed since your accident.”   
“And I thought they were all afraid of me,” Leonard said with a smirk on his face.  
“I assure you they value you as an important member of this crew. And I for myself believe that you are one of the most important ones, keeping us all together.”   
“Spock…”  
Spock reached out and squeezed Leonard’s shoulder. “I am very glad that you are okay.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finally some Jim and Bones ;)

Leonard looked at the bowl that Jim had put into his hand suspiciously. “What is this?”   
“It’s soup. So you get back on your feet as fast as possible,” Jim said and sat down next to Leonard’s bed. The first instinct Jim had had when Spock told him that Leonard had woken up the other night was run down to him, see how he was doing. In front of the doors to medbay he had stopped though. For all the last few days that he hadn’t wanted to leave Leonard’s side he had no idea what he should do when he would see him now, awake and healthy. Jim had no idea what he should say to him.   
  
Out of fear he had turned around and instead worked through the whole alpha shift. But Spock found out and told him that Leonard had asked about him. So Jim had no real excuse to avoid him anymore. He brought the replicated chicken soup so that he would have something to start a conversation and as it seemed it was working.  
  
“I don’t have a cold, Jim,” Leonard complained at once. “And you can’t call this replicated nightmare a soup. It’s not. Probably, it will just make me sicker than I already am.”   
“You don’t know what’s good,” Jim played the hurt friend and took the bowl of soup from Leonard and put it a few steps away on someone’s desk.   
  
Unfortunately Leonard took that as a sign that the soup topic was off the table. “So, you had a busy day?”   
Jim could hear the silent question beneath it so clearly, “Why haven’t you come sooner?”   
“Yeah, not really.” Jim didn’t want to lie. Leonard deserved better than this. With a quiet sigh he let himself fall back on his chair. “I just … I was here this morning, right in front of these doors,” he pointed behind him to the entrance, “and then I just panicked.”  
Leonard frowned. “Panicked? Why?”  
  
“ _Because I’m the reason you are in here_ ,” Jim wanted to blurt out but knew better. Leonard would just fight this statement. “I didn’t know what to say,” he said instead.  
“James Kirk who never shuts his mouth didn’t know what to say?” Leonard teased him, but his voice was soft and gentle. It calmed Jim down, let him believe that Leonard actually understood that he didn’t mean to upset him.   
Jim just shrugged. “There is a first time for everything.”   
  
Leonard smiled at him and especially in this moment Jim realized how much he had missed it. How much he had missed Leonard. And if he didn’t know what to tell his friend, how about some parts of the truth. “I missed you, Bones, more than you can imagine.”   
Leonard raised his head a little more, locked eyes with him and just looked at Jim in silence. Normally there was always a dialogue between them, now Jim was just content to sit next to his best friend and to look at him. Seeing him awake was all that Jim needed.   
  
They sat like this for at least ten minutes before Leonard ended the calming silence, “I’m sorry, Jim.”   
Jim frowned confused. “About what?” Nothing about this was Leonard’s fault. It was all only bad luck, very very bad luck.   
“Forcing you to let go. I can imagine that this must have been terrible for you. And I’m sorry about that.”  
Jim’s mouth opened but no sound came out of it. Leonard shouldn’t apologize for that. He did what he thought was right in this moment. Hell, Jim would have acted the same way - and he would have hated to leave Leonard like that. He sighed quietly. “I know you only did it to save me.”   
Leonard smiled. “And it worked.”   
  
“Yes, for me.” Jim said harshly, and he was surprised about the hint of anger in his voice. Until now there had only been guilt. Guilt for letting Leonard go, for not being able to help him. Guilt and fear. Anger didn’t cross his mind at all. And now it was just there, it came so suddenly that Jim had no idea how he should deal with it. “You could have died, Bones!”  
“I didn’t!” Leonard reacted as tensely as Jim felt.   
“But it was close. Damn close.”  
“I’m sorry about that but what did you want me to do? Let us both fall to our deaths? That wasn’t an option.”  
Jim shook his head. “I could have pulled both of us up. We would have been safe.”   
  
Leonard took a deep breath, dug his fingers into the blanket that laid over his body, and let silence wash over them for a second. It seemed to calm Leonard down, Jim on the other hand felt angrier with every passing moment.   
“The branch was breaking, Jim. It wouldn’t have held both of us. There were two options. We both fall. Or just me. I choose me,” Leonard explained a lot calmer.  
That didn’t stop Jim in his ranting. “How could you? When I was climbing down, the whole way, I was convinced you were dead. I thought I’ve lost you. I thought I’d never-” Jim stopped, unable to speak any further. Uncontrollable sobs shook his body. He hunched forward when it didn’t want to stop, rested his head on Leonard’s bed. Immediately a hand was running through his hair.   
“I’m so sorry, darlin’.”   
  
Jim concentrated on the fingers running soothingly through his hair, tried to calm his breathing and get his body back under control. He closed his eyes for several moments and just let himself rest. These emotions had been overwhelming. Until now he had been sad and scared, never angry at Leonard for what he had done. And he wasn’t now, not really. All of his feelings from the last few days had crushed down on him and anger was easier to cope with than pure fear.   
What he should feel though was relief. Relief that Leonard was still alive. That he was still with him, here on the Enterprise, and that he wouldn’t go away. Not for a very long time.   
  
“Hey, Jimmy, you’re feeling a little bit better?” Leonard asked after a while, long after the sobs had vanished.   
“I’m-” Jim raised his head, looking right into Leonard’s eyes. His beautiful brown eyes were tinted with worry. “I’m good. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to lose control like that.”  
“Hey, it’s okay,” Leonard whispered and cupped Jim’s cheek. “You had to let it out.”   
  
Jim nodded. Leonard was probably right. These emotions would have come to the surface sooner or later. Maybe sooner in this case was actually better. Leonard didn’t seem to be angry with him, just concerned - which was no big surprise because Leonard knew what it felt like to almost lose the other. Jim had been literally dead once.   
And Leonard had shouted at him as well, maybe not on the first day when Jim had woken up but later. They were probably more alike than they realized.   
  
“Are you really okay?” Leonard watched him closely and it seemed as if something about Jim still concerned him deeply.   
So Jim just nodded, still completely confused by all of these emotions. They were in no right order and he had no idea what he was feeling right now - only that he was damn happy to have Leonard here, right in front of him. “Yeah, just-” Before Jim could think about it or convince himself not to do it, he pushed his upper body a little up, and sealed Leonard’s lips with a kiss. “Just don’t do something like that ever again,” he whispered after he pulled away a little, staying close enough to still feel Leonard’s hot breath on his skin.  
  
There was a second of silence before Leonard breathed, “Jim…”   
Suddenly the realization hit Jim of what he had just done, and his heart pounded a lot faster in his panic. He pulled away so that he could actually look Leonard in the face again, trying to find out, if he was repelled by the kiss or not. “I’m so sorry,” he apologized instinctively.   
Leonard shook his head lightly. “Don’t be.”  
  
“I ambushed you with this.”  
“You did!”  
Jim’s whole world was crumbling apart after these two words, convinced that Leonard didn’t want this kind of relationship. “I’m sorry,” Jim said again. “I didn’t mean to. If you don’t want - we can just forget about-”  
He was silenced when Leonard pressed his lips on Jim’s. His hand wandered on Jim’s back and pulled him a little closer. “Now we’re even,” he whispered and Jim could hear the smile in his voice.  
The beautiful smile that Jim couldn’t have lived without. “I’ve missed you so much.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://beyondtriumvirate.tumblr.com/) to me :)


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